Imperfect Disciple's Journal|
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Imperfect Disciple's LiveJournal:
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|Thursday, April 27th, 2006|
VashuTStampedo (11:59:26 AM): I have something for you to read
Genesis Factor (11:59:29 AM): k
VashuTStampedo (11:59:41 AM): it's about adhd
VashuTStampedo (12:00:20 PM): I did a little research on it
VashuTStampedo (12:00:27 PM): Ritalin is a dopamine enhancer
VashuTStampedo (12:00:33 PM): it's basically a "happy drug"
Genesis Factor (12:00:54 PM): tha'ts highly interesting
Genesis Factor (12:00:58 PM): hehe
VashuTStampedo (12:00:58 PM): http://forums.about.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?nav=messages&tsn=1&tid=4457&webtag=ab-add
Genesis Factor (12:01:05 PM): you're on a happy drug
VashuTStampedo (12:01:20 PM): essentially. I need to look a little more into what dopamine is
VashuTStampedo (12:01:29 PM): cause I got my interpretatio of dopamine from the drug dope
Genesis Factor (12:02:12 PM): its a happy chemical
VashuTStampedo (12:02:20 PM): yeah - just wikipedia'd it
VashuTStampedo (12:02:33 PM): like ..t hat other thing ... endorphins
VashuTStampedo (12:02:57 PM): but get this - ADHD is like a paralysis of the will
VashuTStampedo (12:03:19 PM): I kept reading that depression and fear are related to ADHD
VashuTStampedo (12:03:23 PM): and I was like "Huh?"
VashuTStampedo (12:03:28 PM): what are we afraid of?
VashuTStampedo (12:03:41 PM): and it hit me like a ton of bricks
VashuTStampedo (12:04:11 PM): I see that pile of dirty dishes and my body reacts in this way: "Doing those dishes will make me unhappy and/or depressed"
VashuTStampedo (12:04:43 PM): this is the only thing that makes sense as to why a dopamine drug would help - it makes you happy enough you have no problem doing a unhappy job
VashuTStampedo (12:09:03 PM): guess what helps me do the dishes? making that process make me happy. like if I knew I was making a girlfriend happy. something like that - someone called them "emergency" situations
Sources for theory:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ritalin#Effectshttp://forums.about.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?nav=messages&tsn=1&tid=4457&webtag=ab-addhttp://www.add-adhd.org/ADHD_attention-deficit.html
To coin a phrase:
"This @#$% is serious"
To sum it up: After all these years, I've found out I can't seem to do things not because I didn't want to but because I couldn't under most circumstances. Then I found out other people have it too. Then I found out it's manageable. Manageable isn't too
uplifting, as it kind of sounds like non-terminal cancer. But it's a start!
This whole "Fear of depression" really explains ... everything.
|Thursday, March 9th, 2006|
What the HELL is wrong with girls that they think if they burn me in a relationship sense, A HUG FROM THEM WILL MAKE IT BETTER? HELLO?! You're the nail in my foot, why would I want you near me right now?!
|Saturday, February 18th, 2006|
Did you know my mind is a battleground in which suggestions wage war with my body, fighting it to action?
Obviously, I'm winning, since not everyone
hates me, nor am I on the daily news for some horrible act.
I don't plan on losing.
I just thought it should be known this does occur.
If the first sentence doesn't make sense to you, you could rephrase it as "I hear voices, I'm crazy!" and you wouldn't be far off from the mark. It's really images. I'm sure it's the same idea. It could be just a lack of sleep - how they say the mind gets out ... something
, I can't remember the word. And since I don't sleep enough, it's getting rid of it during the day.
Or I really could have that much pent up anger towards people. Which REALLY works well with my weak ability to get over grudges *eyeroll*. So basically it's an unending increase in pressure until I find a release. Which won't happen. Because I don't find releases. Seriously. I don't even think it'll come to some explosive point where I do horrible things. I'm just going to end up imploding. I suppose at this point, for those interested in my well being, should note I have a suggestive image to kill myself at least once a week. Well, not always suicide. Sometimes it's just causing myself pain. Like jumping out of a moving vehicle. Or stabbing sharp objects through my body. Had that one today. Several pictures suggesting I send this rather large metal bolt through my neck, leg, and chest. Oh, and the desire to stab my leg with a needle doesn't count, that just has to do with my injury when pain occurs. It's not part of the whole "I'm insane" thing.
It's kind of hard to hold this idea that I'm insane when I don't sound
like a madman. I could hold a normal conversation and not say something outrageous. I mean, besides being my normal random ADD self
. My insane subconcious doesn't really affect my daily life - I don't do 99% of the suggestions I receive that I perceive as crazy. I think. There is that problem of maybe I'm doing some things that ARE crazy yet I don't recognize them as such. Take for example:
There's this dude on a train. A black dude. It might not even have been a dude. Could have been a woman. I couldn't really tell since the person was wearing a lot of clothing. They had feminine facial features, but the attire and body shape didn't seem feminine. Back to the topic: I wanted to fight this person. Not so much I wanted to get up and punch them in the face. More like, a drawn out battle where I completely hand this person their ass after they try to steal from me. You know what I mean? I don't want to start
a fight, I just want to handedly end it. And then I got worked up over "Am I being racist that I want this BLACK dude to attempt to steal my wallet so I can beat him up? I'm certainly not considering the old lady in the fur coat." And of course, in my battle, I'm doing fantastic unrealistic things like knocking him 20 feet back. Not completely unbelievable, just stretching the physical limits.
I have these thoughts all the time
. Fighting people, that is. I don't actually fight them. I just imagine it in my mind.
See, I'm crazy.
|Wednesday, January 4th, 2006|
I bit my tongue today. Like, bleeding out of my mouth bit it. Of course, being the "I love battle scars!" man I am, I went to my co-workers and squeezed it so I'd bleed XD. I loooooooooooove being a punk. Still hasn't healed up, feels awkward, and I fear if I squeeze it or nudge it I'll reopen the cut.
Also, I'm quitting BBB.
Ain't where I see myself in 2 years from now, along with about 6 other reasons BBB ain't where it's at. Plus, there's full time in college coming up. I'm looking forward to it. I've got that same fire under my ass that I had last year around September, before it got destroyed by an injury.
Oh yeah. I don't take pain meds anymore.
Still hurts occasionally. No where near the pain index of 6 months ago. And this past week it's been hurting a lot, but I'm quitting so good riddance!
My mother got a new guitar for Christmas. I basically own her old one. Score. One of those "unspoken agreements" we have XD. It's like every other guitar in the house. I'm the one who uses them all the time, so they're more mine than anyone elses, I just don't own them.
I've run out of things to say.
Oh. There was this personality defect thing. I was a robot. There you go.
|Saturday, December 31st, 2005|
Let me tell you - drinking makes Pictionary so easy to win at. NOT DRAW AT! I was horrible at drawing. I couldn't make a table. A TABLE! Sigh. But I was getting them like crazy. WHO GETS THE WORD MERGE?! AN ACTION WORD! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! And I'm like, boom. Merge. And everyone else, who thought I wasn't going to get it were like, "WHAAAAAAAAAT?!"
|Monday, December 19th, 2005|
Modern, Cool Nerd
52 % Nerd, 52% Geek, 39% Dork
For The Record:
A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in Nerd and Geek, earning you the title of: Modern, Cool Nerd.
Nerds didn't use to be cool, but in the 90's that all changed. It used to be that, if you were a computer expert, you had to wear plaid or a pocket protector or suspenders or something that announced to the world that you couldn't quite fit in. Not anymore. Now, the intelligent and geeky have eked out for themselves a modicum of respect at the very least, and "geek is chic." The Modern, Cool Nerd is intelligent, knowledgable and always the person to call in a crisis (needing computer advice/an arcane bit of trivia knowledge). They are the one you want as your lifeline in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (or the one up there, winning the million bucks)!
Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in any of the following:
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Love & Sexuality
Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST
My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|You scored higher than 46% on nerdiness|
|You scored higher than 76% on geekosity|
|You scored higher than 65% on dork points|
Also, I think my hair is turning into what Daniel Radcliffe has (He plays Harry Potter) in Harry Potter 4. Every girl I know likes it except
my mother and Kim. It's weird.
|Friday, October 21st, 2005|
|Sunday, October 16th, 2005|
|I am ghetto, but I sure ain't black.
My car is the ghetto. I have duct taped my door so that the door panel doesn't twist and slide on it's remaining plastic plugs. It leaks. Every time I hit the brakes, my feet are flooded. Stuff floats on my floor. I have sunroof - doesn't work and probably leaks. I have 3 car jacks - no spare tire. I don't rotate my tires. There are parts in my car, that probably go to my car, but I have no idea where they go or what they do. I can't sit in the backseat. Literally. I have to lean over or lay down. I have canisters of CO2 in my trunk - which have the hazard of exploding under certain conditions. Every time I make a hard left turn, my right wheel hits something plastic in the wheel well, and makes this flapping sound like you'd put a playing card in the spokes of your bike wheel. The hood doesn't sit right. It kind of slouches. Takes after its owner. The windows don't roll up correctly - they're placed in the door in such a way that when I roll them towards the top, they slide against the rubber of it's holder and take an annoying amount of time to slide past it cause of the friction it's causing. On both doors. At least I still have a functioning gascap.
And if you still think I'm not ghetto, I drilled a hole in a table I bought for my sister's laptop. Not sawed. Not cut. Drilled
. A square 3x3 hole. I did file it, of course. Mildly. But still. Ghetto
|Somebody punch me
I not ONCE thought to use my backup windows install to boot up. My internet is alive! HOO FREAKIN RAY!
I am so addicted to the internet.
|Monday, September 19th, 2005|
new cd coming out
who's gonna preorder with me?
|Saturday, September 17th, 2005|
When cream of wheat says to cook every 30 seconds, don't think you can cheat and cook for 3 minutes straight in order to get yummy lumps. It just doesn't work. You only get boiling soup of wheat.
|Sunday, September 11th, 2005|
Know what happens when I mention a girl in LJ?
|Friday, September 9th, 2005|
I fantasized about making someone breakfast in bed. What does that say about me? What does that say about how I feel about her?
|Friday, September 2nd, 2005|
9 hours with no break make a man work slowly.
|Thursday, September 1st, 2005|
|An update to my being, well or not
Right now, I feel a little depressive, so if my post comes out as such, there's your reason.
Things aren't that
bad, honestly. I just feel empty right now. Like the things that I'm doing, despite their potential worth, will reward me nothing. I mean, spritually, that is true - but I meant the earthly rewards things. I'm still in college - only 8 credits. I'm working almost about 36 hours a week, at a better than crap wage. It's not like anyone can live on 8.25 an hour.
I'm doing better, leg wise. I work 8 hour shifts, and I'm always on my feet. I consider that an accomplishment. Of course, I'm on pills. Two strong ones every start of my shift - I sometimes forget to take it for the last two hours. I don't notice any huge problems. Some twinges here and there. Overall, I work myself hard enough to the point that, I'm sweating all over and I can't form functional sentences. But since we're so understaffed there, anything I do isn't enough. I always feel like I'm not pulling my weight, when I probably am and then some. Most of the customers are happy I was around to help, and the managers are all happy at my effort and/or results. I'd prefer if I was able to walk swiftly through the store all the time, but by hour four I'm running on steam and kool-aid. <3 koolaid. Blue Raspberry Lemonade. Awesome stuff, and not that sugary. I tire easily. Or I tire myself easily. (I'm working myself too hard, or the work is too hard). I haven't figured out which it is, yet.
There's a girl in my life right now, April. Most of you don't talk to me anymore, so you don't know anything about anything - including people I used to think were my best friends. We're not dating or anything, but she is awesome. So, really, it's nothing new to me - another lack of committing desire friendship. Not that I really understand where she's coming from. I never really consider myself ... stressed out. I'm sure some would say I am. I can count on one hand the number of times I've freaked out. So, when she says "I'm stressed out and can't handle a relationship now" I really can't relate. Relationships are fun. They're not meant to be work at first. I'm sure she's entertained by the idea of being my girlfriend. I hope. I sure hope this doesn't turn sour - like she doesn't think of me in that way. Oh man would that do a number to me. Not that that'd stop me from wanting a girlfriend ... can't say it ever has. Being single sucks. Honestly, we act as if we were together already. A big part of the reason I asked her to be my girlfriend was for the title - an official stamp on her feelings towards me, and removing any and all desire to seek attention from other women in that way. I could wait for it if she asked me to.
I haven't updated my journal much. This many of you don't care about. But the reason was that I wasn't happy with what I've been doing. I've done countless dumb things in the past 2 months. Ok, maybe I could count if I tried, but I don't want to. I mean, this is stuff I've done before. And I've felt bad about it before. It's a cycle with me, I think. Break it, maybe? Who knows. I pray about it. Or, rather, I've prayed about it on more than one occasion. I know He can. I don't know if He will. I'm still doing dumb things. I might even do a dumb thing in the next 20 minutes - and out of bored and depression. A strong
desire to feel happy.
I'm also told I'm schizo ... split personality disorder. But I don't think it's true. They're viewing the whole "Christian Jon" vs "Secular Jon" thing as a split personality, but it's not. I won't get into it now, but the bottom line is, they're both me. I just choose how to act and people classify it as a personality ...
Anyway ... that's enough for now. There's more. So much more. But I shant tell you, as I think I should sleep or something.
|Friday, August 12th, 2005|
Time to whore this up!
Click the link for some pictures I took just tonight. Secret Window Johnny Depp inspired, you could say. Also, one of them, I am not wearing a shirt, you can see some chest hair if that bothers you. It's at the bottom if you want to avoid it.( Read more...Collapse )
|Thursday, July 21st, 2005|
|One o' them conflangled "Daym Son" moments.
Hairy legs! Woo! Burn out your eyes on page load up!
It's not a full split - I don't reach the ground. I used to, back in my karate days. It's only a difference of 2 inches max. I'll get it back some day.
Also, my hair's funny :-P.
|Tuesday, July 19th, 2005|
Whoa. Dreams. Whoa. Will I finish it before it fades?
Ok the first dream my mom basically died and was being dragged to hell for not believing in Christ. This bugged me since I thought I didn't tell her about Him enough. Somehow she got a second chance (I think it included some groveling and begging on my part ...) and after that I tried to tell her about it more hoping she remembered what happened. The whole day basically just went by again, except she didn't die. Also, I don't think she remembered what happened. Then it got bigger, apparently I was involved in an X-Men style plot as The Human Torch (or near as I could tell, I flew with flames and such). Basically about 5 people were being brainwashed with some serum into doing things that would bring about the end of thw world. Apparently, some big russian guy gave it to them (though I don't think he was the mastermind behind it). Very big, as I couldn't hurt him much :-P. ACtually, that's not true. The big russian guy was one of the affected, and we had to stop him, which we did. Then we (I and apparently Cyclops and that black dude who does the "I am a stroke" commercials, near as I can tell. You can decide whether he was a marvel character or not). We found this girl who was affecting the stock market or whatever, she had the power to light up her fingers to pierce things. Also, she could roll into a ball and become a solid ball with sharp edges and roll around. Which she did. And was a pain. We stopped her movement with some chairs (go figure) and cyclops laser'd in to remove the headpiece she was wearing that injected this crazy thing that was making them do all this. I then left the building and starting doing high jumps off buildings trying to get to the next place, and found a bunch of the other x members (including wolverine apparently running next to me), so I went over and joined them. Apparently, there was a parade that day. Oh joy - bystanders. Anyway, climbed up the building next to me to get a good look around, as I had complete foreknowledge of all the events going to transpire. Well, enough to point me in the right direction. Then it said "He's a Lord killer" and I had no idea what that meant, but I imagine it meant this guy was powerful. Then the dream ends.
Moral of my dream? Knowledge is powerful. Believe in Christ.
|Friday, July 15th, 2005|
A new picture. Can you guess where?
|Wednesday, July 13th, 2005|
So I wins the consolation prize ...